If Technology Companies Were Star Wars Characters

February 25, 2013

Opinion

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about technology and  how it seems to be so inaccessible to a lot of people. Okay, perhaps “inaccessible” isn’t the right word – maybe the word I’m looking for is inconvenient. I know a lot of people who are fascinated by technology. They want to learn all they can about the gadgets and companies that run our lives, but they are intimidated. They are intimidated by the speed at which the industry moves, and I think to some extent they are intimidated by the “techies” who can be quite opinionated when it comes to certain companies and products.

So I started thinking about a way to get one of these borderline technology enthusiasts into the game by providing a brief overview of the technology world. Then I started thinking about creating analogies to bridge the gap between the somewhat intimidating world of technology and the more familiar world of entertainment. I started off by comparing technology companies to shows like Seinfeld or the Walking Dead, but it just wasn’t working. It was at this point that the Star Wars universe hit me. While I’m not as familiar with some of the obscure characters as a lot of people, I would definitely consider myself to be a casual fan. I also figured most people who would enjoy this article would at least know the characters I’m about to mention, even if you’re not all as passionate as this guy. So let’s get on with the list…

Darth Vader

 Darth Vader aka Microsoft

The powerhouse that started it all. Sure, we could get carried away for the next 3 hours talking about how the Star Wars Universe didn’t really start with Darth (Emperor?), but this is where my analogy starts. If you’re going to argue points about the Emperor or time-lines that’s fine, just do it in your notebook. You know, the page beside that Liger you just drew (0:36). So where were we? Right.

The powerhouse that started it all. The wars, the battles, the fights, the offspring – they all pretty much came after Microsoft. They were the largest, most powerful technology company in the world until Luke Skywalker lopped their hand off.

Luke SkywalkerLuke Skywalker aka Apple

A little late to the party and a little slow at understanding how the world works, but eventually a master in all things and the guy who chopped Darth Vader’s (Microsoft) hand off. He started out as a fairly small player in a big universe, but when his time came he gradually grew into one of the movie’s most feared characters. He always stayed calm, some might even say cocky, but his rough beginnings taught him how to be cool under fire, and how to eventually straighten things out. If you follow Luke you play by the rules and follow your instructions to the letter.

Hans SoloHans Solo aka Google

Definitely a guy you want on your side, but he has no use for rules or the “force”, or any of that crap. If you want to fly on his ship or partner up with him, you’ll be doing things his way at a time of his choosing. Sometimes his behaviour lands him in hot water, but for the most part he is a respected member of the cast and someone who won’t be backing down from a fight. There’s always three ways to do things – the right way, the wrong way, and his way. If you follow Hans you’re more of the rogue good guy who plays by his own rules.

 

Obi-Wan KenobiObi-Wan Kenobi aka Blackberry

Obi-Wan was one of the first Jedi Knights on the scene, at least in the latter part of the series. He had a storied history full of battles, and was on the scene long before Hans or Luke. He was eventually driven into hiding (kind of like Blackberry’s last year and a half), where he emerged again as a formidable fighter. Unfortunately, he was struck down shortly after his comeback. Will Blackberry live out it’s Obi-Wan billing? We’ll have to wait and see.

 

C3POC-3PO aka Facebook

Not nearly as powerful as any of the aforementioned characters, but an important part of the story to be sure. He’s a great help when you are seeking information, but he’s prone to being torn apart and left for dead at the drop of a hat. If all of your personal data is on board when he’s torn limb from limb your privacy will almost certainly suffer. He’s an important COG in the wheel, but you can’t always depend on him, and sometimes he gets a bit lippy.

 

R2D2R2-D2 aka Twitter

Fairly similar to C-3P0, but not nearly as conversant. Where C-3P0 can carry on entire conversations in many different languages, R2-D2 is limited to short “beeps” – probably not exceeding 140 characters. He’s generally useful, but it’s not out of character for him to be a noisy pain-in-the-ass.

 

Storm TrooperStormtrooper aka Motorolla

Generally useless, no brains, and can only last about 5 seconds when the going gets tough. There are millions and millions of them out there and people use them, but they’re not worth the powder to blow them to hell.

 

 

And thus concludes, by far, the “nerdiest” post I’ve ever put on here. Hope you enjoyed it, and for those of you asking actual questions and requesting more “how-to” articles, I promise more in the near future.

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